Can Relationship Security Only be Learned While in a Relationship?
Index:
Some Context
Is Relationship Security Only Learned in a Relationship?
Self-Care is an Essential Life Skill
Some Context
In terms of non-fiction, I’ve been on a huge empathy kick of late. Tons of literature and videos about relationship psychology and how to get along with others. Cause, like most humans, I could stand to improve in the area—-a lot.
In order, I’ve read Attached, by Amir Levine, The 5 Love Languages by Gary Chapman, and I’m halfway through my current read: Wired for Love by Stan Tatkin. These are all “relationship books,” but I believe they provide practical insight on how we relate to others in general, not just romantic partners.
Wired for Love provides deep insight into attachment theory and conflict resolution. It’s helping me to reframe a lot of my interactions with friends and family members and to provide strategies for getting along with people better in the long haul. After all, establishing a connection is the easy part. Maintaining it? Not so much.
In the book, Tatkin uses a nuanced relationship method that he calls a ‘psychobiological approach’ which is a combination of: neuroscience, attachment theory, and the biology of human arousal (not to be confused with sexual arousal, tee hee). I came across this book by way of attachment theory, which if you would like to read more on, I recommend Attached by Amir Levine. It offers a basic overview and guide to application of the theory. There are also entire channels dedicated to the topic on YouTube for those audio-visual learners out there.
Is Relationship Security only Learned Within a Relationship?
I think Wired for Love is an excellent resource, and I recommend it to anyone trying to relate better to others. In this post, I would like to qualify a particular claim that Tatkin made in the first half of his text:
“If we feel insecure about close relationships, there is no way to become more secure without being in one. No book or audiotape, workshop, or religion can alter our sense of relationship security. In other words, as far as relationships go, we are hurt by people and yet we can be healed only by people.” (92)
So if secure behavior has not been modeled for us in our past relationships, does that mean we are incapable of being secure partners? This seems a bit strict in my opinion. Or at least, this shouldn’t apply only to our external relationships. What about my relationship with myself? In fact, shouldn’t I be my most intimate partner throughout life?
By practicing the behaviors of a healthy relationship within ourselves, I believe that we will naturally transfer those traits to our other relationships.
I can practice loving myself by applying positive reinforcement, learning my triggers, validating my aspirations, and doing pretty much anything I would expect from the ideal partner. I become an “expert on myself,” just as Tatkin would advise I be an expert on my partner.
“I want to get to know you better.”
This is something we might say to a person who we find interesting, beautiful, or otherwise worthy of our attention. Don’t you think you’d feel happier if you learned to approach yourself with curiosity instead of animosity? Once we’ve internalized this practice, it will be easier to transfer it over to our relationships with others.
Recently, I came up with an exercise in which I refer to myself in the third person. It is a useful practice that encourages me to view my relationships with a bit of objectivity. It also helps me to see myself as more than just a viewport through which I interact with the world. I do it to remind myself that, “I am here too,” and I deserve nice things. It reminds me to love from the inside out,” which is a pretty solid mantra for life.
Self Care is an Essential Life Skill
I suspect Tatkin would argue that if you’re truly able to develop a secure relationship with yourself, it is the result of a secure relationship from some point in your past (perhaps a parent, friend, or romantic partner who was secure). Therefore, according to his theory, relationship security can always be traced back to another secure relationship.
But regardless of whether you are in a relationship or not, I would argue that the way you treat yourself has a profound impact on your sense of security. If you practice loving from the inside out, you will feel more stable within yourself and will have ample love to offer up to the people in your life. Having a positive relationship with oneself, in theory, serves as practice for how to treat others.
But it’s more than just practice for the “real thing.” Self-care is an essential skill in self-preservation and improvement. Yet, we are so quick to reprimand ourselves. We cringe and insult ourselves over honest mistakes, even if they happened years ago. Tell me, would you judge your friends with the same scrutiny that you judge yourself with? Take me for instance:
I don’t really curse. I never have.
It’s to the point where my friends used to get shocked if I as much as repeated a bad word in a song. At a young age, I decided never to swear at anyone or to use profanity out of anger. However, though you will never hear it come out of my mouth, I cannot control that little voice in my head that loves to call me a stupid, inconsiderate asshole. And you know, sometimes I join in with that voice.
My point here is not to get melodramatic, but when you treat yourself in this way, that violence inevitably leaks out and enters your relationships with others, one way or another. And I certainly don’t want to take out my problems on the people I love.
As an aside, relationship coach, Clayton Olson, discourages the common mindset that a relationship is a place where someone should seek to “get their needs met.” He instead proposes the mindset that a relationship is a place for you to offer something to; a platform for you to express what it is that’s alive in you. Again, we see this idea of starting from within and going out.
There is no way to fill someone else’s cup if haven’t filled yours first. So how do you fill it? How do you practice self-love? I often turn my pc or phone camera on and smile at myself. It’s cheesy yet effective. I compliment myself, count my blessings, and try to do nice things for myself as I might do for others.
To wrap things up, in attachment theory, there is an idea that if you stay with a secure partner for long enough you can become secure as well. But I encourage that you start creating a secure relationship with yourself. Think: “If I can learn to treat myself with patience and respect, then I will be more capable of treating others with compassion as well.”
Other resources:
Nonviolent Communication by Marshall Rosenberg. I just started his book and am already convinced this will help a lot in how I relate to people. View this workshop session as an introduction to the concept: https://youtu.be/wtXogwq80vI “How to say BS in giraffe.”
Works Cited:
Levine, Amir. Attached: The New Science of Adult Attachment and How It Can Help You Find and Keep Love. https://www.attachedthebook.com/wordpress/
Tatkin, Stan. Wired for Love: How Understanding Your Partner's Brain and Attachment Style Can Help You Defuse Conflict and Build a Secure Relationship. https://www.amazon.com/Wired-Love-Understanding-Attachment-Relationship/dp/1608820580
